Mars, Author at Kracked Kaleidoscope

New goals, 5 ways

By Mars | December 30, 2017 | Comments 0 Comment

Want to make a New Years resolution but don’t know how to start? I’ve used various methods to beginning new goals, and the one you choose isn’t as important as just getting started, and to stop procrastinating. Here are 5 different ways to start the change engine before January 1st:

1. Tic-tac-toe goal board

Use this format to set goals on the macro level to organize your thoughts. Break a big goal into different categories or steps.

This method works great for categorizing steps to a complex goal, or for working on many goals simultaneously. Draw a tic-tac-toe grid on a piece of paper. Create up to 9 separate goals or categories to work on. Go deeper and add at least 3 steps to each category. This simple board fits a lot of goal meat into one page, and isn’t too overwhelming to create. You can use this organizational structure to track your progress on different facets of wellness throughout the year.

Keep using your grid categories throughout the year to make changes on the micro level: your themes can guide your action items. Checking in with your macro goals at regular intervals and creating to-do items each day, week, or month means real progress.

2. One imperative

Work like a mad detective and solve the mystery of attaining your most important goal, by leaving no stone unturned and talking to yourself while writing frantically.

If you are tractor-beaming on a very specific goal, this is a good way to go. Start with a mind map diagram centered on the one thing you want to work on. Brainstorm all the ways this goal touches your life, along with possible ways to make it a reality. Make sure to exhaust your list of associations and leave no idea behind. Show how different components of your actions affect each other. This will give you a map to trying anything and everything possible before even thinking about giving up. After you’ve made your diagram, pick a few change ideas to implement immediately.

3. Dream board

Digital or physical dream boards can give you inspiration

Did you ever do this as a kid, where you took a physical bulletin board and pinned up the pictures, notes, and knickknacks that reminded you of your dreams? You can make a physical board or commission a space in your house for displaying ideas and inspirational pieces. Looking at these will help you stay on track and keep your goals at the forefront of your mind.

Dream boards can also be digital. Pin images, webpages, videos, and articles that will motivate and prepare you. The more visual, the better. It’s like a catalog for selling yourself success.

4. Journaling for change

Dedicate a notebook or digital file to making changes in your life for the better. Open the first page and start writing about what you want, where you want to be, and how you might get there. By the end of your first writing session you might have an idea of what to do next.

Commit to checking in with yourself at regular intervals and writing about your progress. When you are feeling stuck or confused go back and read about what you’ve accomplished so far and what mistakes you’ve already made. This reflection gives objective insight into your own life and you can learn from your own experiences.

5. Brand your year

My 2018 theme is “lighten up!” This brand could mean different things to different people. To me it DOES NOT stand for skin bleaching or huffing helium. It means losing personal baggage, simplifying, and having fun.

Pick a theme for the changes you want to make this year and build your efforts around it. The theme can be a phrase, a song, an object, a single idea, an emotion. Think of the ways you can express this theme in your actions, environment, relationships, and write them down.

Anchor your brand for change by connecting the physical element with the ideological. What you wear, eat, read, watch, and do should align with the feelings and thoughts you want to cultivate. Set this year apart from the others by giving it an identity—one that you can be proud of.

No matter how you decide to commit to your goals, congrats for being the kind of person who wants to live life to the utmost. Happy New Year and best of luck 🥂.

3 big family breakfasts made easy

By Mars | December 22, 2017 | Comments 0 Comment

Hosting overnight guests for the holidays means having to serve them breakfast (or brunch if you do things right and sleep in). Nobody wants to spend time cooking in the morning instead of chatting, playing board games in a bathrobe, or staring at a wall as you recover from the night before. Now’s your chance to take the easy road.

Making stuff ahead and letting people serve themselves equals less stress, and you don’t have to deal with whiners asking for special treatment. You can appease most by offering options for picky eaters. Tell people if it’s not out on the table you don’t have it, and you are not making anything else! For those of you with “mixed” families, be sure to offer vegan/vegetarian or gluten free options.

The other bonus with these recipes is that you can control the calories and added sugar in your own serving without depriving everyone else.

Oatmeal buffet (serves 10-12)

Breakfast doesn’t have to be a pain in the ass. Make steel cut oats the night before in the crock pot, or just quickly make some old fashioned oats in the morning. Old fashioned oats can be made in less that 10 min on the stove top. Quick cooking oats in my opinion aren’t worth the couple of extra minutes saved.

Slow cooker steel cut: 4 parts liquid to 1 part oats. (I use 12 cups water and 3 cups oats.) Butter or spray crock before adding ingredients. Add 1/2 tsp salt if desired. Cook on low for 6-8 hrs.

Stove top old fashioned oats: 2 parts liquid to 1 part oats. I used 12 cups water and 6 cups of oats. Boil water, add 1/2 tsp of salt and oats, cook 5-10 minutes, stirring occasionally, to desired texture.

Set up different fixings and let people create their own masterpieces. You can keep it simple or go crazy.

Fixings ideas:

Milk (or milk alternative)

Cream or alternative

Fruit (dried or fresh). I like sliced bananas, chopped apples (cooked for 2-3 minutes in the microwave), blueberries, dried cranberries, cherries, raisins, apricots

Flavorings (cinnamon, vanilla or almond extract)

Sweeteners (brown sugar, maple syrup, coconut palm sugar, agave, honey)

Flaky salt

Butter

Bonus items, like chocolate chips, nuts, seeds, shredded coconut, and maybe even sprinkles for the kids

Breakfast burrito bar (serves 8-10, doubles easily )

Prep your fixings the night before, or better yet get your guests to help after they’ve had a couple of whiskeys. I put everything into little lidded containers on a cookie sheet in the fridge so it’s ready to pull out and use the next day.

Beat 1 dozen eggs with a half cup of milk or liquid of choice. Bake in a greased 9×13 pan at 350 for 20-25 min, or until set, stirring once halfway through. Fluff and break up the eggs a bit when done cooking for easier serving.

Heat up some flour tortillas (or wrap of choice, like these) in the microwave and cover with a clean tea towel to keep warm. Provide 2-3 tortillas per person if using taco-sized, 1-2 per person if using burrito-sized.

Breakfast burrito bar fixings ideas:

Something spicy—Salsa, warm enchilada sauce, picante

Something creamy—Sour cream, cubed avocado or guacamole, shredded cheese

Something beany—Prepared beans—canned or homemade (pinto or black beans). Need 1 can per 3-4 people. Microwave to warm If needed.

Something green and strong—cilantro, green onion

Something salty—Crumbled cooked bacon, sausage, meatless breakfast sausage, black olives

Something crunchy/wet—shredded jicama, shredded carrots, fresh sprouts, shredded cabbage, diced tomatoes, diced onion

If you are extra motivated you can soak beans overnight and cook them quickly in a pressure cooker while the eggs bake.

I personally don’t like to make quick soaked beans or pressure cook beans from dry. It’s like wishing for Farty the Christmas Elf to surprise you with gifts by afternoon.

Baked French toast (serves 8-10)

This is a great way to use up old bread or dinner rolls. I used these hamburger buns leftover from my son’s birthday dinner. I like my French toast bake barely sweet, and people can add their own dang sweet things on top after cooking. Eating sweetness on the outside of your food, where it is instantly accessible to the tongue, allows you to use less sugar.

Cut bread into 1” cubes. You will need 10-12 cups. This is about a loaf of bread’s worth.

Make your custard. 8 eggs beaten with 2 cups milk of choice. Flavor with 1/2 tsp cinnamon, the scrapings from 1 vanilla bean (or 2 tsp vanilla extract), and 1/2 cup maple syrup. I used my blender to make this easier.

Add bread cubes to a greased 9×13 pan and pour custard over. Cover and let soak overnight.

Preheat oven to 350. Bake uncovered for 40-50 min, until set and browned to your liking.

Tray of golden baked French toast dotted with blueberries — My kids loved this blueberry version of baked French toast. They did not recognize the sesame seeds from the old hamburger buns.

Variations:

Add berries to top before baking

Add 2 mashed bananas to custard mix, top with walnut pieces.

Add 1 cup pumpkin purée and 1/8 tsp nutmeg to custard mix.

Gluten free version

Vegan version

Baked French Toast Fixings:

Warm fruit compote or sauce

Whipped cream, coconut whipped cream, or cashew cream

Maple syrup for drizzling

Chopped toasted nuts

Banana slices

These breakfasts work for anytime you want to kick back and actually talk to the people in your house, whether they are guests or your doting spawn. I personally don’t need guests to arrive in order to eat a giant breakfast, and you don’t have to either: save your leftovers and you will have breakfast all week!

portable ice skating rink with pushable bobbies

Exercise through the seasons: Winter

By Mars | December 14, 2017 | Comments 0 Comment

As the nights get longer I am more prone to couch lounging and making excuses not to participate in winter exercise.

“But it’s already dark!”

“It’s too cold out.”

“I’m too busy with Hanukkah/Christmas/Festivus/Groundhog’s Day/National Meatball Day.”

There is an instinct to hunker down and bow out of things that seem uncomfortably cold and unmotivating. Hot drinks and fuzzy slippers are easier.

But winter is actually full of great exercise opportunities, ones that can make you feel energized when the blahs of gray skies and cold toes set in. You just have to remember the benefits this season provides, and the workarounds you have available.

Benefits

Now is a chance to do things that feel too sweaty-hot in warmer months. If you are doing vigorous exercise outside the cold air keeps you from overheating, and if you’re working hard enough you may not have to worry about freezing your buns off (depending on your region). There there are less people outside, and better availability for places that are packed with crowds in warmer months.

The new year may also provide an opportunity to try a new goal or resolution and jump start your motivation. You can also take advantage of sales on fitness products and services.

Seasonal fun

There are events and activities aimed at holiday celebrations and winter weather. Snow and ice sports are are at their peak.

Don't be buried in the snow instead of doing winter exercise — Sledding FAIL! In order to claim snow sports as exercise you actually have to move. Exercising will keep you warm.

Winter workarounds

There are ways to dress for the weather that make things tolerable, if not enjoyable, despite low temps. I have exercise pants made for cold times and they really help me get outside with less complaining. If there is a sport that can be done outside, there is an outfit for doing it in the cold.

When the weather is just too extreme there are plenty of things to do indoors. Here is your chance to try something new.

Find something exciting or renew your passion for what you already love.

Walking, jogging, and running

Take a stroll through the neighborhood to look at holiday lights. My area has several commercial locations with beautiful displays, but if you ask around you can find lots of free, over-the-top residential homes that are worth the walk.
Visit the community track or the park. Less crowds make for a peaceful day. We typically have some clear, bright days that would make summer jealous.
Sign up for a race. One of my favorite half marathons is the Holiday Half. I love to see the themed costumes runners wear, and we drink beer and eat hot soup at the finish line. The finisher medal doubles as a Christmas ornament! On Running in the USA’s website you can search for a winter race by location and date. There are local Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s day races too of varying lengths.

Snow and ice

Downhill skiing and snowboarding—If you are lucky enough to live near a ski park or resort, and can afford it, hit the slopes. I like Ladies’ Night at Mt. Hood Ski Bowl, where I can cruise the country’s largest night ski terrain with my homies for only $24. (And have a drink together at the mid-slope warming hut.)
Cross country and snow shoeing excursions are typically less crowded and you can burn even more calories.
Snow skating with Sled Dogs looks pretty awesomely dangerous and intriguing. Need to try this!
Sledding and tubing are fun for the whole family. Climbing back up the hill is totally worth it.
Ice skating, indoors or out, is also family-friendly. We have a visiting portable rink that comes every Christmas season. They rent pushable bobbies that little kids can sit on when they get pooped out.

Indoor sports and fitness

Sign up for a class. Our parks and rec department offers everything from fencing to ballroom dancing. Hot yoga sounds good right now as I see frost outside my window.
Pay the small day use fee at the local rec center when it is too dangerous to be outside. For a few dollars you can use the cardio and weight machines, as well as the pool and hot tub.
Sign up for a trial membership at the gym, if you don’t have one already. You can typically visit different local spots for free (or very cheap) until you find your fit. January has a lot of deals going on for resolution season. My daughter keeps a sport gym membership for access to the b-ball courts, and meeting people to play pick up games with. The Hubs has a basic Planet Fitness membership that runs him only $10/month.
Exercise in the comfort of your own home. YouTube will not let you down. Nor will you ever run out of free videos to try. I do Bollywood dancing, Pilates, whatevs. My coworker has been digging the Christmas music Zumba-style workouts. Next I really want to try some body weight exercises to build upper body strength. I also use apps, like Gaiam’s Yoga studio, to customize my own workouts.

There really aren’t good excuses for doing nothing but watching the Yule log burn this winter. There are too many ways to have fun moving.

*I know availability varies per region, so please use this list as it applies to your own area. Also, exercising on snow and ice, and in your living room, can be dangerous at times. Be fit at your own risk!

Martinis for tthe company holiday party: worth the free price?

The company holiday party: pros and cons

By Mars | December 6, 2017 | Comments 0 Comment

Each December I accompany my husband to his company holiday party. I get to see his coworkers and their significant others play shuffle board and eat mediocre beef. It is a ritual that ends with us watching his boss open his gift from the employees, which is always some hunting weapon or a gadget that you buy for the person who has everything. This year it was a temperature sensing camera, which when demoed quickly revealed “hot spots” under our clothes. (For me this probably showed hidden sweat crevices that develop when my mother pooch is vacuum-sealed into shape wear.)

I do enjoy these parties, as they are entertaining and I have an excuse to eat a meal sans children with my handsome man. I actually wore eyeliner tonight. What a fancy occasion.

My company holds a much larger and less intimate soirée during the holidays. The same meal is served each and every G’damned year: turkey breast and mashed potatoes with limp Caesar salad and a hard dinner roll. This year I will be working during the festivities, so my plan is to ask for a to-go container and fill it entirely with pecan pie.

Here, unfortunately, it is not unusual for someone to have brought a tuba. And there are company retirees everywhere in festive scarves with their sweatered spouses sitting silently in cheap banquet chairs.

Unwanted tuba solo at the office holiday party — If you are forced to listen to tuba solos by someone who outranks you, it may be musical harassment. Always ask before you pull out your horn. #MeTuba

I think administrators want us to feel appreciated. But we mostly feel awkward. There is pressured small talk made as you run into acquaintances and search backward for connections from the last time you met, for questions to ask them about their dog, their kids, or the cruise they took in the summer. Then there is the pause followed by the excuse to move on to the next cluster of people to ask how you are and politely compliment your plastic Christmas jewelry.

Socializing is draining for me as an introvert. I understand why there are people who choose not to attend. My company is so large that no one would miss me if I didn’t go, and there might possibly be more pie without me.

The smaller party my husband’s company throws is more important for him to show up to. He needs to let his boss thank him, and the employees get a chance to return gratitude to the place that pays them and teaches them new skills. It’s only once a year, but it helps set the tone for teamwork.

The decision on whether or not to attend the company party, no matter what time of year it is thrown, is a personal one that only you can make. If the benefits outweigh the negatives you should muster up the courage, put on your best schmoozing outfit, and engage in some awkward conversation for the benefit of your career and the people you pretend to like working with.

Ten reasons to attend the company party:

Free food (no matter how it tastes).
Complimentary drinks, if you are lucky, which make it easier to swap camping stories with the creepy guy from IT.
A chance to see what “dressed up” looks like for certain people who can’t let go of their 80s hair.
Reconnaissance on how much the holiday bonus check will be before you receive it.
Actually talking to people who you like, but don’t have time to shoot the breeze with at work.
Access to embarrassing ammunition for future shit-talking behind people’s backs.
Brownie points for showing your love for the company.
Connecting faces to all the stories you hear about your coworkers’ partners.
A night where feeling sorry for yourself or hating your job is off limits. It’s time to grant colleagues the same free pass you occasionally give to your family, where only positive vibes are shared.
Finding out you and your secret Santa both have each other: what a delightfully eerie coincidence!

Ten reasons not to go to the company party:

The likelihood that the shrimp salad has “turned” by the end of the night.
Boring speeches and toasts made by people who don’t really want to make them.
Missing a night at home with your family, your dignity, and your comfort zone.
Finding something to wear that isn’t your work uniform.
Trying to remember the name of your colleague’s girlfriend, and determining if she’s the same one from last year, before you say the wrong thing.
Fake smiling and laughing—it is utterly exhausting.
Having to hang out with people you don’t want to get to know, or worse, people you don’t like. Being off the clock is usually when you get to enjoy time away from them.
The necessity of clinical strength deodorant and mouthwash, because you will be sitting uncomfortably close, and talking over loud tuba music, after eating onions and feeling anxious. Throw some gas-X in while you’re at it.
Fighting the constant urge to yawn in front of others when the party starts to wane.
Finding the sweet spot for leaving. You can’t be first, can’t be last, and you have to say goodbye to the people who matter, the ones that made you want attend in the first place.

A homemade Christmas tree centerpiece with fairy lights

Make your own mini Christmas tree centerpiece

By Mars | December 5, 2017 | Comments 0 Comment

We always cut our own Christmas tree. We like supporting local farms while having the excuse to take the kids for a beautiful drive through the nearby countryside. It’s a tradition we all enjoy, and this year we had to visit three farms before we found one that was a) open, b) had trees that were under 10 feet and over 3, and c) did not have branches that were half dead.

Scoring a good lookin’ affordable tree can be tricky, since there is a shortage this year. It is even affecting my wonderful state of Oregon, which is the number one producer of Christmas trees in the country. Every luscious green branch should be put to use and not wasted.

After getting the tree home we end up trimming little branches off to shape and fit it in the stand. Sometimes we have enough leftovers to make a wreath or a swag out of, but this year we only had a few, so I decided to make a mini Christmas tree centerpiece.

Mini Christmas tree centerpiece supplies:

A quart sized mason jar
About 7-10 small tree clippings, cut to various lengths, to fit the jar without tipping it over.
10 ft strand of battery-powered fairy LED lights, (a little longer would also work, but not shorter)
Wire ribbon, 2 ft or so. (Use whatever scraps you have, can use fabric strips or any kind of ribbon.)
Wrapping paper
Transparent tape
Ornaments, small sized and lightweight. Use shatter-proof ones around kids and pets.

Instructions:

Arrange the clippings in your jar to sort-of pass for a tree, or a bouquet of handsome twigs, which is what you really have. Hire a creepy nutcracker to supervise and scare away tree sprites, who do get angry when you chop trees down for selfish reasons.
Fill the jar with water.
Wrap the battery pack from the lights to look like a tiny present, secure with clear tape. I tore a little hole in the back for the on/off switch.
Wrap “tree” loosely with fairy lights, dispersing them as evenly as possible.
Wrap the remaining cord around the neck of the ~~person you hate most~~ jar, secure with tape to hold up the battery pack.
Conceal wrapped cord and tape with ribbon. I tied mine in a bow.
Decorate with small lightweight ornaments.

My tree is not perfect, but I like it that way. It’s just attractive enough that my mom thought I bought it and asked where I got it, but that is probably because she wasn’t wearing her glasses. At least I have a change from the poinsettias that are usually on my table, and the baby loves looking at the tiny lights. Now I want to put these fairy lights on everything!

Being the hub of your family's communication makes you a kinkeeeper

Kin Keeper Stress

By Mars | December 1, 2017 | Comments 0 Comment

Are you the kin keeper in your family? I am the one who usually arranges dinners and holiday get togethers, vacations and group gift giving. The person to whom communication is directed when everyone is trying to figure out where to go or what to bring. My house is the place where we congregate to celebrate, or deliberate over crises. I watch over the family torch, and even when someone else holds it for awhile it always comes back to me so I can make sure it stays lit.

Beyond planning, this role is one of remembering. Someone needs to remember what Joe wanted for his birthday, or that he has a birthday at all. Who else will make sure no one puts kiwis in the picnic salad? Grandma is allergic, you jerks! There are a lot of details to retain and it’s not easy.

Families and friends need someone to kin keep for them. Not everyone is cut out for sending annoying group texts at midnight or fronting the money for everyone’s portion of the cabin rental (in hopes of being paid back). If someone doesn’t take the reins and drive this communication buggy it might run off course, crash, and time spent together will die like a wounded horse.

Some families might struggle to identify their kin keeper, and an unsuspecting person with a centrally located house, or a big dining table, could get stuck doing it by default. You may not realize you’ve been chosen until it’s too late and people expect you to have enough butter in your fridge, or ask you to store something (or someone) in your garage. Other families have volunteers who fight for the privilege. Some take pride in their role, and might feel rewarded by the rush of control over potluck assignments or gate keeping the funeral music playlists.

Yolanda would've wanted pure Van Halen at her funeral — Maggie couldn’t help herself from micromanaging the funeral jams

No matter how one arrives at the job of kin keeper, it is stressful. There are expectations that you will be good at making sure everyone is on schedule. That you will have a well stocked pantry, send out timely reminders, and that you will lead the family battles, if conflict arises. You could be expected to mediate, bear witness, or say things that the rest of the group is finding hard to say.

The most stressful thing to me is worrying about everyone’s individual happiness while trying to maintain the harmony of the group. When a compromise must be made there has to be someone to make a final decision, and you might disappoint someone. I put pressure on myself to make sure things go right and that everyone feels accommodated. The bigger my family gets the harder it is to feel successful.

How to mitigate kin keeper stress

Keep things simple. Don’t run yourself ragged making sure everything is perfect. Pick the easy way 95% of the time. You don’t need to impress anyone who really knows you.
Delegate and accept help. If someone thinks they can do it better, let them. If you need help, or don’t feel up to it, tell someone. Usually people are so happy they don’t have to run things that they won’t mind an assignment.
Give clear instructions, in writing if possible. Communication is key. Set up a system of emailing, texting, messaging, whatever, and consistently get info out the same way to everyone so you aren’t chasing people down each time. Let them know what to expect and when you will contact them again.
If negotiations stall, make a decision for the group, with an option for an out. I like to give a deadline and options, like “I will be ordering Great Aunt Greta’s stripper cake on Wednesday. If anyone doesn’t like cream cheese frosting let me know before then and I will get ganache instead.”
Paper plates
Take a sabbatical once in awhile. Hand the torch off when you need a breather, or when someone else has a vested interest (or is complaining) and can do the managing instead. It’s also okay to cancel a recurring tradition now and then if it’s causing too much chaos.
Let people know they can do their own thing if they aren’t happy with the arrangements. Be clear that others also have a right to take sabbatical from the togetherness. Without judgement.
Be fair and honest. Don’t play favorites, leave people out, or manipulate. Take votes and keep people posted on changes. Save the drama for your llama.
Give yourself recovery time. Holding a big event or managing family business requires more effort and time for the kin keeper. So make sure you are allowing yourself space to feel grounded again after catering to everyone else.
Be gracious and be happy your life is filled with love! Those of us who have loved ones to spend time with are truly lucky. No matter who leaves stains on your carpet or shows up disrespectfully late. If you have assholes in the family they are Your Assholes, so count your blessings.

Doctor Certificate for Internet Self-Diagnosis

Thanks, Internet! Now I’m a doctor.

By Mars | October 30, 2017 | Comments 1 comment

So far this year I’ve diagnosed myself with hypothyroidism, magnesium deficiency, muscle wasting, metabolic syndrome, and pyogenic granuloma—just to name a few of the things I’ve been searching the internet for information on. (Don’t even get me started on the things I am finding wrong with my children!) Googling for internet self-diagnosis can be dangerous in so many ways. A simple symptom can turn quickly into a “terminal diagnosis”, or can lead to home treatments that aren’t appropriate and can cause more damage. Medical information gleaned from the internet can come from anywhere and anyone, and even if you are an expert to begin with it can be hard to choose the right advice.

Yes, doctors and other providers use internet searches to aid diagnosis. But this happens in conjunction with education and experience, as well as access to professional databases with evidence-based, peer-reviewed research.

People can spend countless hours, as I have, sweating on their couches looking at disturbing tumor photos and reading freak-out forum posts (from other couch doctors) to find out what’s wrong and to attempt at setting the gauge on their worry.

Why are people so attracted to browsing the internet for medical answers in place of visiting or consulting an expert?

“Am I bleeding from my ass or did I just eat too many beets?”—said more people than you would think

What’s wrong with me?

People want instant answers to their nagging questions and may prefer to test the waters of hypochondria from the safety of their own homes. Discerning what warrants a call, a request for an urgent appointment, or an ER visit can be hard to do on your own. If you are prone to dramatization it can be easy to feel stupid when calling the doctor in the middle of the night. I have been told more than once, “Ma’am, this really can wait until your appointment next week.”

Even when you score an appointment you probably have to wait days, weeks, or months. In an era of instant gratification this can seem like a travesty. For those who don’t end up coming to the emergency room for everything, including their chapped lips*, a little sleuthing ahead of time can irresistibly lead you down a rabbit hole.

After you have finally seen the provider for 5-15 minutes of their “undivided attention” it may be anticlimactic and you end up with a sense of longing for more information, more direction on what to do, and a realization that no one cares about your health like you do. Why isn’t anyone else interested in the connection between eating pickles and hair loss? How has my physical therapist not discovered medical parkour?

Who else has this, and what happened to them?

Humans are social creatures, and the way of the tribe’s medicine woman is pretty much gone. It has been largely replaced with drive-thru style impersonal cookie cutter medicine (think drop-in urgent care type visits). We stop in to see someone who probably doesn’t know us very well and receive blanketed advice that has been handed to everyone based on regulatory recommendations and pharmaceutical agendas.

We want to know how the other guy turned out that had similar complaints. Searching for personal stories and forums can give us audience to the more relatable dramas of others. We crave that word of mouth advice from people who suffer similarly. We feel entitled to the secret cures that doctors aren’t taking seriously but people are finding success with. No one wants to be alone in their struggles, and reaching out into Internetland can abate that loneliness.

What can I do about this right now?

As a society we are impatient. If it is 1:00 am and we have a rash we want to guess what it is and buy something for it tonight. We desire easy answers and quick solutions we can do at home. I call this “armchair healthcare”, where we would rather complain or pretend like we are making progress while not putting out any real efforts. People skim and choose the remedies that fit their level of motivation, and this gives temporary satisfaction. It’s part of our conditioning as consumers of healthcare, where special equipment, apps, supplements, and over-the-counter medicinal salves can be purchased 24 hours a day, not interrupting us while we watch YouTube or eat chicken nuggets in our cars.

Should I feel guilty/worried/sorry for myself?

The popular culture pendulum swings between self-blame and victimization, and we’re unsure how we should feel about our ailments. We want to discern if something is self-inflicted, random, or if we should sue somebody. The internet helps us decide. What does this have to do with me and who I am, or who I’ll be? Maybe it’s all about ME, dammit!

Are there treatments I might have to go through that look painful, expensive, or that result in me being uglier, disfigured, or disabled? I might need to feel guilty about this, so I need to prep. Either that, or get angry at someone. Wait, what is the route of transmission? (Maybe I got it from a toilet seat?) Just tell me who I should blame!

Cowgirl's Internet Self-Diagnosis: Dying from secondhand chew — Even cowgirls get the second-hand chew blues

Don’t get me wrong—I do believe the internet is a valuable tool for my health and the health of those around me. It connects us to others, gives us access to helpful information, and lets us find resources quickly. Doing your own research can bolster your knowledge and empower you. You can find inspiration and ideas and get the honest opinion of 1467 of your closest friends. You may truly be able to captain your wellness ship in ways that were impossible 30 years ago.

However, there is so much information out there that if you read enough you may find contradictory information, your eyes just might glaze over, and you could possibly end up doing your own dental surgery or booking a leeching in a back alley clinic. User beware!

*Chapped lips. This is my favorite ER diagnosis ever. Someone actually came into a hospital seeking care for this. Seeing it in writing, up there on the patient information board, made me laugh and was an “aha moment”—people are crazy, and either don’t know how much an ER visit costs, or don’t care. Maybe he should have googled “chapped lips” first, or called Kip to bring his chapstick to school….

Halloween's disappointing holiday candy bags with wrappers

Open Candy Season

By Mars | October 30, 2017 | Comments 0 Comment

It’s here! Halloween through Easter is open candy season, which means that there are bags of candy around, and if you open them they may get eaten. Maybe a bag will be obliterated during a commercial break or while you think you are asleep at night. Even if you don’t want any it will find you. At home, at work, at your Aunt Mildred’s house. If you have kids it will be at school parties, at trick-or-treating, and in their stockings.

When I was little I remember seasonal treats, like candy corn at Halloween, candy canes at Christmas, and Valentine’s conversation hearts traded at school. But now I’m noticing the same cheap candy at the store every holiday, just repackaged with different colors on the bag. Aisles of it. Ginormous bags the size of dog food sacks. Everything is so redundant and unremarkable; it’s just not special anymore. There is only one season and it tastes blah. But yet I keep partaking.

Typical store offerings encourage quantity, not quality. The food is sweet, cheap and accessible, but doesn’t really add much joy to the celebration or gatherings. I doubt I am creating lasting memories of the holidays for my kids with these small “chocolate” bars sitting around the house, or plastic eggs brimming with fruity gummies in their Easter baskets. What they really ask for are holiday activities, and if they want food it is always something we make together or eat around the table with family. No one ever puts “cheap-ass candy”* on their wish list to Santa.

I told my son that if he really cared about a girl he shouldn’t buy her Russell Stover anything, ever. He was hesitant when he showed me what his girlfriend that year got him for Valentine’s Day. Yup, a Russell Stover heart. It sat in our pantry with its lineup of lonely pink and orangey crème middles, only a few bites nibbled off. They broke up not long after. The heart box and its contents eventually got thrown away–it just wasn’t meant to be.

True love deserves better candy.

And maybe I should remove these disappointing holiday candy bags from my nightstand. The Hubs put them there with the intention of hiding them from the kids until Halloween for the trick or treaters. Then he had the balls to open one of the bags. It was all over after that.

(For us not eating the candy, not for my marriage, although he did buy some cheap-ass candy*. BUT, if he shows up with those lame Palmer peanut butter pumpkins after these are gone, I might be gone. Thankfully, he knows me better than that!)

*Cheap-ass candy should not be confused with cheap ass-candy, which may actually be on some Christmas wish lists, not that I would know or anything.

Bonus! Emoji Charades, candy style!

Guess the candy name

🍒💣
🌌
😆
👆🏽
🤷🏽‍♀️📞
👴🏼🎸 or 🍾💎💎💎
💼🐱
💪🏾
👩🏽👩🏼💋
🍔🍔
☄️
🤓🤓🤓
🤣👨‍🌾
💵📆
🍬🌽
🍼🎓🎓
🔴🌿
🔴🔥
🗣🛑
💨👤

Answers

Cherry Bomb
Milky Way
Snickers
U-no
Whatchamacallit
Pop Rocks
KitKat
Big Hunk
Hershey Kiss
Whoppers
(Atomic) Fire Ball
Nerds OR Smarties
Jolly Rancher
PayDay
Candy Corn
Bottle Caps
Red Vines
Red Hots
Gobstoppers
Air Heads

Make your own dollar store first aid kit

By Mars | October 26, 2017 | Comments 0 Comment

We were at Target picking up a prescription when my 7 year old daughter spotted this wacky first aid bag on clearance. She immediately wanted to make a first aid kit, but the only thing I bought for it that day was a little box of band aids. I didn’t want to spend $50 filling it.

Even though I am medically trained, I’m not really prepared for action. I’m more of an improviser. (Picture a less-sexy MacGyver, using twist ties and 7-Up to do first aid in the back of a moving truck.) Or I just let my family bleed, if I can tell they’re not dying.

We used to have a first aid kit in our travel trailer, and it was nice. Too nice, since everything was packed so beautifully and tight that it made me never want to open it or use the uniformly marked white packages of gauze and benzalkonium wipes. No one ever really got band aids, or ibuprofen, even upon request.

In my house we do have some supplies and a few medicines in the cabinet. But I thought I would play along and help my girl put together something we can take with us when we camp.

Here’s what we got ($1 unless marked):

First aid bag $2.78
Bandages $1.89 (can get a box for $1)
Roll self-stick wrap
Roll gauze
Digital thermometer
Antibiotic ointment
Hydrocortisone ointment
Petroleum jelly mini tub
Antacids
Pill containers to fill with pain relievers, antihistamines
Super glue for stitching wounds (not recommending this for anyone else)
Alcohol wipes
Nitrile gloves
Antibacterial wipes $0.33

(Adding our own pills)

____________________

Total = $16.00

I tried to put items in that we would have a chance of actually needing, but depending on your activities the box could contain very different items. Going to the dollar store makes it easy to get supplies that you don’t feel bad about actually using, wasting, or replacing every 1-2 years.

Other “make your own dollar store first aid” items available:

Lunch bag or food container to serve as a kit holder
Ice pack
Scissors or tweezers
Safety pins or needles
Duct tape for holding certain wounds closed. Also good for wrapping sprains or making splints and slings in a pinch. Removes hair wax-style if access to skin is needed.
Medical tape
Maxi pads. These are better than gauze for absorbing blood and can also be frozen for use as an ice pack. Ditto for diapers.
Knee socks, for holding dressings on arms or legs. Can also be tied into a tourniquet or around the head for an eye patch.
Cotton socks. Can be cut and used as a soft bandage, ice pack holder or protective sleeve.
Pain relievers like ibuprofen and acetaminophen. Aspirin can be given for suspected cardiac chest pain until an ambulance arrives and can be helpful if having a heart attack. It can also be crushed and made into a sunburn remedy.
Digestive aids
Allergy medicine
Eye drops
Ziplock bags: puke bag, biohazard disposal, makeshift gloves, ice pack. (Not concurrently, or in that order.)
Mini tissue packs
Baby wipes
Bottled water for wound cleansing or drinking
Hydrogen peroxide
Rubbing alcohol
Witch hazel
Epsom salt
Aloe Vera gel
Diaper rash cream (works great for hiker’s chafe)
Cotton pads, balls, swabs
Menthol rub or patches
Sports drink for treating dehydration
Flashlight and magnifying glass
Lighter for disinfecting needles
Neti-pot. Can also be used to make an eye wash.
Surgical masks

I could make this list all day! Who needs hospitals when you have a dollar store nearby? 😉 Of course you can up your game by getting trained in first aid. I think everyone should be CPR trained too.

P.S.: Remember that if you store your kit in a non-temperature controlled space it can affect the medicines inside and freeze things or explode containers. Putting a piece of tape on the outside with the first expiration date of contents helps you know when to replenish. Keep the kit away from kids. And don’t start practicing mountain medicine or delivering babies unless you know what you are doing. Although I’m a nurse I am not here to give you medical advice or training today, so if you need some go get some. Any kit you make or use is at your own risk.

Sick day guilt is hard for this sock monkey

The Art of the Sick Day

By Mars | October 23, 2017 | Comments 0 Comment

When I was a much younger and wilder me I used to call in fake sick to work at my retail sales job, claiming a maiming or exaggerating cold symptoms. I wouldn’t do this all the time, but when I needed a day to wallow on my futon, or sneak away on an impromptu road trip, it was an option I considered.

Fast forward 20 years to tonight, when my backup babysitter has awakened me from slumber to call in sick. (The regular babysitter has already been sick for a couple of days.) I think I have bad sick day karma. This news came after I spent the better part of my waking hours trying to procure staff for the surging census at the hospital. Now I feel like a major jerk having to call in at work, and I know the day will be crappy for those left behind, including the people who kindly agreed to do an extra shift. I have major sick day guilt!

Who cares for those who care?

Even though I’m not the one actually ill, I do have to stay and care for my little poopers (aka kids…is it bad to use feces in pet names?). I feel that insane pressure to NOT call in. What will they do without me at work? I have major sick call guilt!

Why? The American workplace, for the most part, fosters abandonment of self care (or family care) for commitment to the company. We work frequently alongside colleagues who should be home getting better, or at the bedside of a loved one. There can be expectations to show up, sick or not, which actually contributes to more lost days as germs are spread and people don’t take time to fully recover. Worry over missing work further causes stress and illness.

I talked to a friend today that said she couldn’t take time off work to care for a critically ill brother in another state, because her workplace would not grant her the time. The federal Family Medical Leave Act sadly does not consider a sibling to be an immediate family member, so a leave of absence would be “unprotected” and could result in termination of employment. Even when an employer must grant leave because of federal or state protections, it doesn’t mean you can afford it or that you have enough paid leave hours or sick time.

It’s hard to stay home if you need to. I suggest people build safety nets around themselves and their finances to help soften the blow.

Don’t kiss your honey when your nose is runny. You might think it’s funny, but it snot.

Know the rules

Familiarize yourself with workplace policies on sick days, and understand what benefits you get, if any, such as paid time off or short term disability.
Read up on FMLA and your state’s medical leave laws, which can apply depending on the size of the company you work for. Sometimes intermittent leave can be used for chronic illness of yourself or a dependent.

Have the money to be sick

Keep an emergency fund for lost wages and unexpected medical or travel costs.
Don’t use up your paid hours for fake sick days at the beach!
Consider short term disability insurance to cover lengthy illnesses, injury recovery, or maternity leave.

Don’t get sick

Sleep well, eat well, love well and exercise!
Take planned time off. Burnout and stress will catch up with you.
Wash your damn hands and keep them off your face. Your eyes and nose can be more susceptible to germs than your mouth, so pretend there is a force field around them. Teach yourself to wash your hands properly with this Glo Germ kit. (I used it to train my kids).
Take care of your gut. A big part of your immune system resides here so give it props.

Plan for inevitable life emergencies

Set up work systems so someone can take over essential functions in your absence. Know who you will delegate to in an emergency.
Have alternate child/elder/pet care arrangements as back up.
Know what transportation options to take if your car breaks down or weather gets crazy.
Choose the right village. Surround yourself with people who support you at home and and at work, and support them too.

Now that my sick call to work has been made I shouldn’t waste my day…or should I? Technically I’m paying for it, so it’s mine to use on lying in bed, which is what an afflicted person would do: watching tv, eating ramen, and not showering. I have to be careful with my sick day karma, and I wouldn’t want to upset the delicate balance of the universe. Bring on the Netflix!