Category: People

Friends, Family, and everyone else

Being the hub of your family's communication makes you a kinkeeeper
Kin Keeper Stress

Kin Keeper Stress

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Are you the kin keeper in your family? I am the one who usually arranges dinners and holiday get togethers, vacations and group gift giving. The person to whom communication is directed when everyone is trying to figure out where to go or what to bring. My house is the place where we congregate to celebrate, or deliberate over crises. I watch over the family torch, and even when someone else holds it for awhile it always comes back to me so I can make sure it stays lit.

This little torch holds the kin keeper's flame

Beyond planning, this role is one of remembering. Someone needs to remember what Joe wanted for his birthday, or that he has a birthday at all. Who else will make sure no one puts kiwis in the picnic salad? Grandma is allergic, you jerks! There are a lot of details to retain and it’s not easy.

Families and friends need someone to kin keep for them.  Not everyone is cut out for sending annoying group texts at midnight or fronting the money for everyone’s portion of the cabin rental (in hopes of being paid back).  If someone doesn’t take the reins and drive this communication buggy it might run off course, crash, and time spent together will die like a wounded horse.

Some families might struggle to identify their kin keeper, and an unsuspecting person with a centrally located house, or a big dining table, could get stuck doing it by default. You may not realize you’ve been chosen until it’s too late and people expect you to have enough butter in your fridge, or ask you to store something (or someone) in your garage.  Other families have volunteers who fight for the privilege. Some take pride in their role, and might feel rewarded by the rush of control over potluck assignments or gate keeping the funeral music playlists.

Yolanda would've wanted pure Van Halen at her funeral
Maggie couldn’t help herself from micromanaging the funeral jams

No matter how one arrives at the job of kin keeper, it is stressful. There are expectations that you will be good at making sure everyone is on schedule. That you will have a well stocked pantry, send out timely reminders, and that you will lead the family battles, if conflict arises.  You could be expected to mediate, bear witness, or say things that the rest of the group is finding hard to say.

The most stressful thing to me is worrying about everyone’s individual happiness while trying to maintain the harmony of the group. When a compromise must be made there has to be someone to make a final decision, and you might disappoint someone. I put pressure on myself to make sure things go right and that everyone feels accommodated. The bigger my family gets the harder it is to feel successful.

How to mitigate kin keeper stress

  1. Keep things simple. Don’t run yourself ragged making sure everything is perfect.  Pick the easy way 95% of the time.  You don’t need to impress anyone who really knows you.
  2. Delegate and accept help. If someone thinks they can do it better, let them. If you need help, or don’t feel up to it, tell someone. Usually people are so happy they don’t have to run things that they won’t mind an assignment.
  3. Give clear instructions, in writing if possible. Communication is key. Set up a system of emailing, texting, messaging, whatever, and consistently get info out the same way to everyone so you aren’t chasing people down each time. Let them know what to expect and when you will contact them again.
  4. If negotiations stall, make a decision for the group, with an option for an out. I like to give a deadline and options, like “I will be ordering Great Aunt Greta’s stripper cake on Wednesday. If anyone doesn’t like cream cheese frosting let me know before then and I will get ganache instead.”
  5. Paper plates
  6. Take a sabbatical once in awhile. Hand the torch off when you need a breather, or when someone else has a vested interest (or is complaining) and can do the managing instead. It’s also okay to cancel a recurring tradition now and then if it’s causing too much chaos.
  7. Let people know they can do their own thing if they aren’t happy with the arrangements. Be clear that others also have a right to take sabbatical from the togetherness. Without judgement.
  8. Be fair and honest. Don’t play favorites, leave people out, or manipulate. Take votes and keep people posted on changes. Save the drama for your llama.
  9. Give yourself recovery time. Holding a big event or managing family business requires more effort and time for the kin keeper. So make sure you are allowing yourself space to feel grounded again after catering to everyone else.
  10. Be gracious and be happy your life is filled with love! Those of us who have loved ones to spend time with are truly lucky. No matter who leaves stains on your carpet or shows up disrespectfully late. If you have assholes in the family they are Your Assholes, so count your blessings.
It’s All in the Transition

It’s All in the Transition

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I listen to heart monitor alarms all day long at work.  My mind must be constantly alert and listening subconsciously for these (which can be life-saving) along with patient call bells, patient screams, code blue announcements, my work cell phone, my personal cell phone, the unit landline, and whatever else is going on.

By the time I get home my ears and brain are fried, but a new set of noises starts. The exhaust fan is on over the stove. The TV or computer might be blaring. I am immediately bombarded by the insistent requests of my family who has been awaiting my return, with homework and dinner and school papers and wanting to talk about their days. I am excited to see them too, but I am overwhelmed by the sounds and busyness.  My mind is still in fight or flight mode, but needs to be in nest and rest mode.  I want transition time.

Usually I get off work late, sometimes after 8pm, and I want to make every moment count before we put the kids to bed and eventually collapse.  But it’s just not that easy.  I feel the need to first wash the aura of other people’s feces and disease off my body.  I want to reset my brain to stop being hyper alert. In the meantime I only have one foot in the door and the rest of me is distracted and crabby.

I have started taking 15 minutes to shower and decompress in silence every evening before trying to focus on my kids—and it does wonders. Everyone in my house now knows to let me do this.  I go straight upstairs to rinse the workday away before they tug on my shirt and ask me to look at something or do something. Until I shift gears from work to home I can’t really be myself and relax.

I also have a hard time with the following transitions:

  1. Waking up…to doing something productive in the morning on my days off
  2. Getting out of the house…to exercise in a timely manner
  3. Being busy…to slowing down and going to sleep
  4. Focusing on my kids…to taking time for my romantic relationship

Transitions are important but don’t get enough attention. People don’t usually budget time for crossing the delta between activities that require different brain cells and a change in skill set. Taking a moment to properly reset can lower stress and increase productivity. It allows for less distraction and more intensity in the now.

Planning for transitions can also set limits on mindlessness.  (Such as 2 hr Facebook/gaming/YouTube time sucks!)  Repeated, lengthy devotion to mind-numbing activities is attractive when we feel overloaded by real life and need to escape it. If we respect transition time and use it wisely we can reduce the need to mentally check out as a coping mechanism.

The best way to get from one activity to another is to first acknowledge that a shift is needed, and then decide what is important for you to be successful in the next phase.

Transitions can include:

  • A quiet, still moment to reset
  • Time to get ideas or to-dos written or typed for later
  • Planning for the next day
  • A physical move from one location to the next
  • A change in uniform
  • Optimizing your environment
    • Staging or lining up your tools
    • Cleaning up
  • Setting the tone with music or lighting
  • A change in audience and attitude
  • A signal to focus on the next thing (such as an alarm or timer)
  • An internal pep talk to get yourself psyched
  • Anything that clears your mind and gives you peace

Transitioning can mean calming down. It can also mean gearing up, getting focused, planning, or stopping in a good spot.  It requires mindfulness and awareness and takes time to make a habit of.

Wearing too many hats at once makes for a very heavy head. Chin up!

Too many hats makes for a very heavy head. Chin up! Only one hat at a time for a successful daily transition.

*Drawing with a mouse is like eating with a plastic spork or getting dressed in the dark…it can be done, but it is far from ideal.

These folks have their arms in the air, shaking a wenis for some we-ness
Shake Your Wenis for Some WE-ness!

Shake Your Wenis for Some WE-ness!

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At my son’s football game today I found myself getting a little worked up.  The refs had made a call that displeased the other team, and the families across the field in the home stands were livid. The sound of “those people” booing and carrying on made my stomach churn.  My heart started beating faster and for a moment I felt genuine rage.  I wanted to yell and tell them to go straight to heck and get bent.  “Go eat a bad hot dog from your sorry concession stand, assholes!  Who the fuck sells Twizzlers instead of Red Vines?”  So there!

I stopped before I could get ejected or at least make a minor fool of myself in front of a bunch of kids.  I remembered that this was the kids’ game, not mine, and that the stakes on the outcome of the call, the game, the season were so very tame.  No one was going to die over this, and it wasn’t really my battle to fight.  There is no “mom” in “team”.  (Unless you call yourself a “team mom”, but that is just a sexist and outdated term so please just stop.)

It wasn’t actually me out on the field taking hits.  My ass was safely planted in the bleachers, somehow taking it all personally.  I do this kind of stuff all the time like a typical human, feeling the “we-ness” of situations that I am not directly involved in.

In Yuval Noah Harari’s book Sapiens he explains how humans do this, where we see ourselves as connected with others in idea, not only in practice, and that’s part of how we are able to organize as one with large groups, even if we’ve never met.  We are animals of ideological habit.  It has helped us survive and take over the world (for better or worse).

Then we create us-and-them situations, like those in a sporting competition, to define who we are by what groups we identify with, as well as those we don’t.  We must belong somewhere!  We must defend our somewheres and our somebodies!  Oh, and we shouldn’t probably fraternize or sympathize with the otherbodies.

The problem with these ideological memberships is that we feel so connected or repulsed that we let things stress us out, no matter the true impact on our lives.  In addition to being a sideline schmuck, you may have also gotten upset about:

  1. Someone being voted off or killed off a tv show
  2. The romantic problems, political views, or evening wear of celebrities
  3. The everyday mundanely controversial social media comments of friends of friends
  4. The death, crime, war, and abominations in countries that are worlds away from your home that you have never and will never visit
  5. The depressing mess on the evening news, featuring dramas and people who you don’t actually know and will never meet

I am not going to advocate for the abject ignorance of horrors affecting people we don’t know, but I do think that healthy living requires a stress budget.  So how much can we devote to things outside our reach of influence?

Most of my life I have tried to keep unnecessary we-ness from invading all of my conscious thoughts.  I don’t really watch the evening news.  (Unless I’m just trying to find eye candy: I’m talking to YOU, Lester Holt! And when I say “eye candy” I mean his glasses, obviously, since they are delicious.)  I don’t have a personal Facebook account, and I try to invest my emotions into people and causes I know and love.  But I do have these moments where I can’t help but get caught up in the Right-Fight.

There are signs that your we-ness may be misguided or could be getting in the way of your happiness:

  1. Spending time impulsively checking notifications or browsing your newsfeed instead of interacting with people you love or doing things that actually matter to you. You fear you won’t “know what’s going on.”
  2. Complaining on a daily basis about the affairs of politics at home or abroad but don’t actually vote or put time or money toward causes you care about.
  3. You know the roster for your favorite team but can’t name your child’s teacher. Or, you have the channel numbers memorized for the networks you watch but not your Mom’s birthday.
  4. There isn’t time to exercise or cook your own meals but you somehow find time to stream videos and post pictures of restaurant food.
  5. You know details about the president of Russia, or the leader of North Korea, but don’t know much about your town’s mayor, if you remember their name at all.

The solution to a misappropriated we-ness is not that hard to figure out. You just have to make real connections the point of your life and put yourself out there to actually take the hits on the field.  Give your attention to the real world in front of you and the people you know best. Get out of the safety net of virtual or remote drama and take on real challenges.

Taking the weight of the world on your shoulders is unnecessary, especially if that weight is made up of things you really can’t change or control.  Stress for the sake of stress is our way of avoiding real risks, but that just keeps us disconnected and wastes our energy and talents.

To sit in the stands and watch with an angry face is simply not enough.  I need to use my we-ness to change the world!   Or at least to focus on cheering my team on toward victory.

*I found out what a wenis was by actually spending time with my tween son instead of scrolling on my phone.  Now I am self-conscious about my sagging wenis, so maybe it has backfired.
Birds of a Feather Buffet Together: Social Eating Thoughts

Birds of a Feather Buffet Together: Social Eating Thoughts

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I once told a very stressed out friend that I could no longer hang out with her if she didn’t like eating anymore.  I was joking to cheer her up (sort of) but hoped that she would feel better quickly and join me at the fro-yo buffet. Usually I feel uncomfortable around people who don’t enjoy food–there is something so human and social about meal sharing that can’t be separated from who I am, and this leads to problems for me when it comes to mindful eating. How we relate to food affects how we relate to people and vice versa since it is so omnipresent in our lives.  It is usually easier to overindulge when I am not eating alone.  Making the right choices for myself as an individual gets fuzzy when made in the context of a group, a relationship, or at a social event.

Food gifting

At the hospital where I work we are constantly receiving food in the form of gifts from bosses, coworkers, vendors, and even families of the patients we serve.  At home I tend to receive presents in the form of treats on holidays, as well as the random donation from a well-meaning family member who wants to share their bounty.  I never want to appear rude, and usually the food is well received and tasty.  There is however a sense of obligation to finish it off, and an increased aversion to wastefulness when the food isn’t just food, but also represents a relationship in my life.

Special Events

Similar to food gifts, parties and holidays bring chances to bond over gorgeous cheese platters and alluring colorful confections.  I look forward to times of celebration with loved ones—and the uninhibited behavior that comes along with them.  It is so easy to graze, sip, and sample my way into a bloated coma and find myself waking from a party nap feeling greasy.  I let peer pressure sway me:

“Just try one…these are the best.  I made them myself!”

“Have you eaten? Yes? Well at least have a small plate or take some to go.”

“It’s my birthday and I want everyone to have a lamb shank.”

When hosting I try to provide the most delicious things I can think of to serve my guests, and sometimes this is a cake covered in toffee (a baby shower MUST!) or mushrooms stuffed with cream cheese.

Let’s Do Lunch

Going to lunch is like my favorite thing, and I’m usually the one to suggest it. This is an excuse to eat whatever I want while catching up with friends. I don’t have a personal Facebook account for multiple reasons, and having to meet over pork so my friends can remember what I look like is one of them.  It’s like a conspiratory meeting where calories don’t count but hugs do, and everyone is in collusion.

Happy fat

This is the idea that when life is going well for you indulgent behavior sets in, such as when you find love and settle into the domestic bliss of eating nachos in bed next to the best thing that ever happened to you.  The Hubs and I are sooo bad for each other in this way, and have been for most of the last 25 years.  If he gets himself a pudding cup (or a street taco, or a foot long sub) I get one too.  I ask him every night what he wants to eat for dinner rather than just making what I know I should eat.  We love canoodling over noodles.  What can I say?  He completes me.  And he was there giving me googly eyes (is it supposed to be goo-goo eyes?) while I completed the extra 40lbs I have gained since we met.

I only have googly eyes for you. And for street tacos.
I only have googly eyes for you. And for street tacos.

The truth is that he will love me even if I eat iceberg lettuce and rye crisps for the rest of my life, and I him.  My friends wouldn’t be friends if our relationship was based on waffles alone.  Family gatherings CAN be done with slightly less butter involved.

There is nothing inherently wrong with sharing delicious food with great company.  It is one of the cornerstones of human social interaction. The role we play when giving, receiving, or sharing food likely has something to do with what our ancestors were doing when they gathered berries together or shared a big hunting kill.  Modern American life has become so much less communal, which leads to some confusion over the way social pleasure factors into what and when we eat.  There are probably more hierarchical nuances going on than most of us want to think about when splitting the happy hour check.  Maybe instead of getting together for the sake of eating it is the other way around—we are making the excuse to be together under the guise of special food.  Am I secretly afraid no one will love me if I don’t pay them off with snacks?  Will no one hang out unless tater tots are around?

No matter how much I love food, I love the people in my life even more.  Sometimes we will gather together over rich food, and sometimes it can be done with more sensible fare, or during a long walk instead.  If they’re cool they’ll understand they won’t always be offered dessert.

Peer Into the Kaleidoscope