Cleaning Sucks

We just had a storm roll through, which prompted my neighbor, Shirtless Guy, to ring my doorbell.  He wanted to return a bungee cord that flew off my travel trailer from the wind and into his back yard.  Shirtless Guy usually likes to wear his chenille bathrobe outside year round, smoking cigarettes in front of his garage while gazing at his old black pick-up truck.  He is not the kind of guy to be judgmental, not the person you wouldn’t want seeing the inside of your messy house on any given afternoon.  But because I am a failed perfectionist I cared that he caught a glimpse inside.  There was utter chaos in my living room, and I wanted to say “It doesn’t always look like this!” which is true.  The more accurate statement is to say that it doesn’t always look like this, but it usually does.

I delude myself when I pretend that order and cleanliness are the norms from which my family occasionally strays.  It’s not that we don’t clean—in fact we spend way too much time “cleaning” (me nagging my kids while they go Krav Maga on each other on the carpet and are asked to get back on task over a dozen times).  The house gets sort-of presentable at least once a week for Sunday dinner and we pick up every day, but it is only an interval of seconds to minutes before there are sweatshirts in the hallway and crumbs under the chairs.  The Hubs’ favorite thing to do is to eat out for the rest of the day after the kitchen gets detailed just so we can look at it again before it’s destroyed.

It’s All Their My My Parents’ Fault

I want to blame someone for the lack of order in my house.  My instinct is to lash out at my kids, but then I realize that I suck almost as bad at cleaning and don’t set the best example.  I am just as easily distracted as they are.  If I find an interesting book while picking up a room I might stop to read it.  If I’m supposed to put away laundry it might end up poured at the end of my bed for a couple of nights while I sleep above in the fetal position.

The truth is that I loathe household chores for the most part.  My idea of a good day does not include any scrubbing, folding, vacuuming, and especially not dusting.  I like to fancy myself as more of a “manager” than a “hands-on worker”, and my house is no exception.  That hate of chores comes across to my kids, who also have also realized that cleaning is a waste of time and should be delegated to these new house robots I keep hearing about.

So who are the kids supposed to learn from?  I certainly didn’t learn good habits from my parents.  My dad’s idea of cleaning is to put items into boxes and pile them in front of every mode of egress in the house.  Or taking a spare room and throwing everything in it and shutting the door—like the room version of a junk drawer.

Who Says Cleanliness is Necessary Anyway?

I don’t know who made up the rule that cleanliness is next to godliness, but that person probably did not have 6 kids, a full time job, nor the need to occasionally stare off into space while suspicious pine cones appeared behind his/her toilet.

Why do I feel like the condition of my house is always behind some nebulous standard that I can’t live up to?  I do want to feel like I can walk without tripping over a backpack on the floor, but does it really matter if there is clutter in the corners or smudges all over the walls?

What Does Clean Actually Mean to Me?

I’m not sure what ideal I have in my mind filed under “acceptable level of sanitation and organization,” but I would like to press DELETE and start over. 

If I can tackle these things I will feel a lot less stressed out and naggy.  I want to make sure I am cleaning to my own standards that will improve the way we feel about living in our house and using the things we have.  Making it easier to keep the house the way we want it will make cleaning not so arduous.  And that might make me more pleasant for neighbors or anyone else who wants to arrive at my door to return my inevitable flying debris.

Bonus! Free Tips for Cleaning

1. Hairballs lifted from the carpet make excellent birds’ nests
2. Nobody likes a stinky microwave
3. If it looks like poop vs. chocolate then don’t taste it to find out. Or smell it. Or touch it with bare hands.
4. Throw away used napkins
5. If you clean it up it will get messy again, so why bother
6. Mice like old dog food
7. Roaches like old mice food
8. People don’t like roaches
9. Don’t keep your “fat clothes” in your closet—it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy
10. Moving things from one pile to another doesn’t count as cleaning
11. If you have to cover up most of your carpet with throw rugs to conceal stains you should go for the Marrakesh look in decorating—it has a lot of rugs in it
12. Old batteries mixed with new batteries is like the worst trick to play on yourself
13. If you kill all the grass in your yard you will not have to mow it
14. Elbow grease is literally a thing. No matter what you are told, don’t use it.  It makes things dirtier.
15. Check under the table tops for boogers since kids like to wipe ‘em there
16. Forgotten baby diapers will eventually lose their stink
17. Don’t clean in places no one will ever look. It is a waste of time
18. If you don’t dust then the ring will tell you where to put things back
19. Cover yourself with backwards painter’s tape and roll all over things with lint
20. Tidying your car is overrated. When you need a scrap of paper or are desperate for a snack you will find something to satisfy your need.
21. A messy desk is a sign that work is in progress
22. Wait till something stinks before you raise a stink
23. If your pet pees on your carpet get them back by peeing on THEIR carpet
24. If you let your walls get smudgy they will eventually acquire an old-worldy Italian country home patina
25. When your house is messy enough it will serve as a cheap security system. Burglars will think your house was already hit.  And it will be hard for them to walk into in the dark.
26. Strategically putting dirty underwear on the couch makes your kids’ friends think twice about getting comfortable and overstaying their welcome