Kin Keeper Stress

Are you the kin keeper in your family? I am the one who usually arranges dinners and holiday get togethers, vacations and group gift giving. The person to whom communication is directed when everyone is trying to figure out where to go or what to bring. My house is the place where we congregate to celebrate, or deliberate over crises. I watch over the family torch, and even when someone else holds it for awhile it always comes back to me so I can make sure it stays lit.

Beyond planning, this role is one of remembering. Someone needs to remember what Joe wanted for his birthday, or that he has a birthday at all. Who else will make sure no one puts kiwis in the picnic salad? Grandma is allergic, you jerks! There are a lot of details to retain and it’s not easy.

Families and friends need someone to kin keep for them.  Not everyone is cut out for sending annoying group texts at midnight or fronting the money for everyone’s portion of the cabin rental (in hopes of being paid back).  If someone doesn’t take the reins and drive this communication buggy it might run off course, crash, and time spent together will die like a wounded horse.

Some families might struggle to identify their kin keeper, and an unsuspecting person with a centrally located house, or a big dining table, could get stuck doing it by default. You may not realize you’ve been chosen until it’s too late and people expect you to have enough butter in your fridge, or ask you to store something (or someone) in your garage.  Other families have volunteers who fight for the privilege. Some take pride in their role, and might feel rewarded by the rush of control over potluck assignments or gate keeping the funeral music playlists.

No matter how one arrives at the job of kin keeper, it is stressful. There are expectations that you will be good at making sure everyone is on schedule. That you will have a well stocked pantry, send out timely reminders, and that you will lead the family battles, if conflict arises.  You could be expected to mediate, bear witness, or say things that the rest of the group is finding hard to say.

The most stressful thing to me is worrying about everyone’s individual happiness while trying to maintain the harmony of the group. When a compromise must be made there has to be someone to make a final decision, and you might disappoint someone. I put pressure on myself to make sure things go right and that everyone feels accommodated. The bigger my family gets the harder it is to feel successful.

How to mitigate kin keeper stress

1. Keep things simple. Don’t run yourself ragged making sure everything is perfect.  Pick the easy way 95% of the time.  You don’t need to impress anyone who really knows you.
2. Delegate and accept help. If someone thinks they can do it better, let them. If you need help, or don’t feel up to it, tell someone. Usually people are so happy they don’t have to run things that they won’t mind an assignment.
3. Give clear instructions, in writing if possible. Communication is key. Set up a system of emailing, texting, messaging, whatever, and consistently get info out the same way to everyone so you aren’t chasing people down each time. Let them know what to expect and when you will contact them again.
4. If negotiations stall, make a decision for the group, with an option for an out. I like to give a deadline and options, like “I will be ordering Great Aunt Greta’s stripper cake on Wednesday. If anyone doesn’t like cream cheese frosting let me know before then and I will get ganache instead.”
5. Paper plates
6. Take a sabbatical once in awhile. Hand the torch off when you need a breather, or when someone else has a vested interest (or is complaining) and can do the managing instead. It’s also okay to cancel a recurring tradition now and then if it’s causing too much chaos.
7. Let people know they can do their own thing if they aren’t happy with the arrangements. Be clear that others also have a right to take sabbatical from the togetherness. Without judgement.
8. Be fair and honest. Don’t play favorites, leave people out, or manipulate. Take votes and keep people posted on changes. Save the drama for your llama.
9. Give yourself recovery time. Holding a big event or managing family business requires more effort and time for the kin keeper. So make sure you are allowing yourself space to feel grounded again after catering to everyone else.
10. Be gracious and be happy your life is filled with love! Those of us who have loved ones to spend time with are truly lucky. No matter who leaves stains on your carpet or shows up disrespectfully late. If you have assholes in the family they are Your Assholes, so count your blessings.