Multitasking fails I have experienced include:

• Trying to express breast milk with an electric pump and a “hands free” bra at the wheel of my car while driving home from work.

Result: very erratic driving, crying over spilt milk, and a sense of incompetence.

• Attempting to barbecue chicken legs while gardening and talking on the phone in my underwear.

Result: let’s just say chicken fat can easily catch fire and only idiots don’t wear pants around flaming grease. Or unattended garden rakes.

• Trying to cram for college finals while karaoke-ing in the smoky lounge of a Chinese restaurant.

Result: Crab Rangoons and hang over…successful. Calculus test and John Denver’s “Thank God I’m a Country Boy”…not as successful.

• Conducting business phone calls while jogging and trying to spend quality yak yak time with my sister.

Result: accidentally leaving a lengthy, inappropriate message on my boss’ voicemail regarding my views on testosterone supplements.

I don’t know who I think I am most of the time, but it’s someone who can handle her shit a little easier. I am constantly overestimating my ability to pay adequate attention to multiple things at once. That’s probably why I have mucho responsibility yet a nagging feeling of underachievement.

Here’s the result of a recent decision to argue on speaker phone with my insurance company while mentally planning a party menu, sweating in the backseat of my car, and trying to console a crying baby:

I was also eating a piece of candy, but looked down to realize I had devoured nearly the entire box of chocolate-covered macadamia nuts. For a second I was confused since I really didn’t remember eating that many. “Wait a minute…who the hell took my chocolates?” Oh. I guess I did it.

Multitasking can be dangerous, I tell you! According to brainfacts.org, the human mind can only handle two tasks at once; any more than that is overload. Even with just 2 tasks going the brain must split its resources to get them done, so switching between these tasks costs us in performance. As we age this gets even worse.

Piling multiple things on your plate all at once can make you feel efficient, but you probably aren’t. To show up and knowingly do a half-assed job is just irresponsible, so why set yourself up ahead of time for failure?

Divided attention is bad for us, especially when we are:

1. Driving or operating tools

Obviously you could kill yourself or other people. So put down the Rubik’s cube while you are working the backhoe, please.

2. Eating

Mindless snacking or eating on the run is never satisfying and it confuses our bodies. We can either overeat or choose nutrient-poor foods, ultimately depriving ourselves.

3. Making important decisions

There is a reason we can’t legally sign papers while under the influence. Likewise you should save your heavy thinking for times when you are not distracted.  Because, as when you are intoxicated, part of your brain will be unavailable to process the complexities.

4. Performing precise tasks

Eye surgeons don’t check Facebook while working and neither should you.

5. Being present with ourselves or loved ones

It does not count as quality time with your family if you are not actually listening to what they’re saying.  Also, you can’t really get in the zone unless you have purposely eliminated extraneous demands.

So the moral of the story is: stop freakin’ trying to do a bunch of things at once, because basically your brain is not made to be successful at walking and chewing gum at the same time.   Or patting your head while rubbing your stomach.

Not only do we attempt to layer tasks that actually matter; we also ask for unnecessary interruptions.  For most of us the day is structured to welcome things that will sabotage the flow of thought.  The amount of distractions in modern America only add folly to the already intense demands of work and family life, so why not limit them?  How exactly are notifications and commercials useful to your productivity?  Are you pretty much always available to be reached by phone, text, email, and social media?

The main reason I have such issues with doing too much at once is assigning similar priority to each task, instead of eliminating or delaying others to focus on the most important one.  When I plan ahead I can easily see what is important and what’s not, but when I’m reacting or already running crazy the logic is more elusive.  Every single little busy thing just isn’t THAT important, not even barbecued chicken, compared to my well-being and relationships.

Trying to do only one thing at a time might make me feel like I’m not doing enough, but if I nail it—if I get it right—it should be more rewarding.  I would rather have one complete success than a bunch of mediocre finishes or downright failures.  In the end I should be getting more out of life if I simply give my brain enough space to work.  Important people and processes deserve my full presence, pants or no pants.

“Life ain’t nothin’ but a funny funny riddle.” —-John Denver